Food

Food and I have been fighting for years. I think that’s finally changing. I’ve been slowly making peace with food, I’ve had to…

I started a CSA on Saturday, and have been fighting laziness that involves not cooking. I used to love cooking, but the move disrupted that. Now that I’m getting back into it (forcefully) it’s nice. I’ll feel better when I’m all settled and unpacked. That’s for tomorrow.

Today was a day for relaxing, we have a house warming on Saturday and I need to get the house in order! I did this for motivation!

I’ll get the garden done Thursday, when the weather cools down.

But I digress, here’s the CSA box:

Radishes, carrots, mint, strawberries, sprouts, salad mix, kale, chard, peas, green onions, and garlic scapes!

Here’s what I made so far:

Garlic scape and kale pesto!

Basically, it wad garlic scapes, kale, pine nuts, parmesan, and olive oil all ground up together in a food processor.
Beautiful.

I also made my famous Onion cakes!

Tomorrow, something with all that chard!

My every few year update.

So much had happened…
Graduating grad school had been the beginning of a new life for me. I didn’t realise it then, but now I do….

May 14: Derek and I moved in together.
June 14: I got my masters in psychology.
July 14: I got promoted at work.
Aug/Sept 14: I went to India.
Jan 15: I got engaged.
Feb 15: I went to Vegas and the Grand Canyon.
March 15: We bought a house.
April 15: We moved to Bellingham.

In August we’re getting married.

Life is good.

Starting to settle in, and not rush things… that’s hard.

Blogging

I’ve never been good at keeping up with stuff, especially blogging. But I’ve been thinking of starting this up again for a while now. It just seems like there is so much to explain. How do I catch you up on over 6 months of updates… why do I feel like you need every update? Why do I feel the need to document my life? These are all questions that I should be asking myself at a later date, not sitting in bed at 1:30am when I have to leave for work at 7:30am. But truthfully Ive been watching to much Bones, and my imagination is in overdrive. I like it when Derek is here, because then I feel safe, and I don’t worry as much about everything, because pretty much everything I love is besides me. At home it’s even better because I’m with both Derek and Emma.

I think I’m going to try and sleep now though, here’s to a good sleep and waking up with all the energy I need to tackle tomorrow.

The Mirror

Tonight I looked at myself in the mirror. It caught me off guard. I realized that I haven’t sat and looked at myself in a while. Not just looked at myself, really taken my face in. It’s been well over a year now, since I stopped Jasmine’s photo shoots. I barely recognize myself, but nothing much is different. My face is a bit fatter, the sad look in my eyes is still there, the unhappiness with myself. And then I realized… I’m going to be 27 this year. 27 years old. And what have I done with my twenties. I feel like the gap from 22-26 was wasted. It’s funny because I learned so much about myself in those years. I changed so much in those years. It’s the big dark cloud that ended my silliness. I was so ignorant back then. So interested in such trivial things. I had forgotten about the big picture of life. I’ve learned now. But I’m afraid I haven’t changed as much as I would have liked to. There are still so many things that I want to change about myself. I still speak when I shouldn’t. I still feel awkward around new people, afraid that they’ll figure out that I’m a fraud. I’m still too stubborn, and like getting my way. I’m not “proper” in the old sense of the word. I still feel like I constantly need my guard up. That I need to act “correctly” or else no one will like me. I still lack my self confidence.

You know those moments where you make a life changing decision, or something life changing happens… but it only affects you; the world around keeps on spinning, unchanged. I’ve had that happen so many times. I need the world to change around me. I need to feel that change everywhere. I think that change still lies in me. I need to build confidence in myself. I need to change inside. Time keeps moving, and I stay the same. Soon, I’m going to run out of time.

I want to be different. I need to be different. My happiness depends on it.

I need to keep looking in my mirror. I have to bridge that gap between my mind and my body.

Now, where to start?

Drawing the Line

What better time to ‘draw the line’ then on New Years.

Here’s a little story for you:

I’ve been trying to lose weight since, junior year of college (about 2006). I was at my highest weight ever, 250+lbs. Moving out of the dorms helped, I lost about 10 lbs by simply not eating at a cafeteria. Then I tried South Beach, lost 15lbs. Then I started trying to go to the gym, motivation was not my strong point. Needless to say, I fluctuated, up and down between 200 and 220 for many years. July 2011 came and went, and I was depressed. I was back up to 220 and *needed* to do something about it. Unfortunately, this was due to the fact that I was seeing Marc at the time and he hated the fact I was overweight. Still, I was determined. I had finally switched gyms from Urban Fitness to Riverside Health Club. The switch was refreshing and caused a much needed change in my life. I lost 30 lbs. At the end of January 2012 I was 190lbs, the lightest I had been since High School. Then I started dating a wonderful man, and I ignored the gym, and I ignored what I was eating. I was too happy to care. The weight crept back, but with a vengeance. I now stand at 248lbs. I feel terrible. I hate myself. And I’m more than disconnected with my body. I have gained almost 60lbs, in less than a year. Which brings me to today.

Here are my goals:

GW: 190lbs/30.7 BMI
Prize: New Purse

GW: 185lbs/29.9 BMI, No longer Obese
Prize: New Bikini

GW: 170lbs/27.4 BMI, High School Weight
Prize: My moon tattoo on my hip

GW: 154lbs/24.4 BMI, No Longer Overweight!
Prize: Belly button pierced

UGW: 150lbs/ 24.2 BMI, Final Goal
Prize: $1000 Shopping Spree

 

My “crazy”

How do you deal with needing something, but in asking for it defeats the purpose? For instance: I wish that Derek wanted to spend more time with me, but in asking him to makes it an obligation, and it’s no longer him choosing to spend his time with me out of his own wants.

Things were going amazing for a while, I would come home from work and he’d be sitting on my couch watching Psych or reading. Then one week I told him I’d be working till 6pm instead of 5pm to make up hours, and it all stopped. It’s been almost a month now, and we’re back to where we were a few months ago; where I text him first everyday, where I’m the one who asks him if he wants to hang out with me. And I know this is a silly thing to be upset about, but I’m always the one chasing after ppl (friends/guys/whatever). It was just so nice to finally have someone who made such an effort to want to spend time with me. I know, logically, that he loves me and loves spending time with me, but it was an incredible boost to my pathetically small self-esteem to see him on my couch everyday. And I know, again logically, that if I talk to him about it he’ll change his behavior. But I really just want to pout and have him magically read my mind and know what I need! And I need to not feel like I’m the only one thinking about him nonstop throughout the day (I would love him to text me random crap, initiate a conversation, or just say ‘I love you’ once a day.), for him to invite me to do things or to just hang out, for him to plan for us to do something together. A tiny bit of romance even? I had to ask him to buy me flowers, I had to tell him that I wanted to go on a real date (that he did plan, but sadly fell through).

The reason I don’t want to bring this up with him is because this is all about my issues, my insecurities, my problems. Derek is an amazing boyfriend. I ask him to do something he will. I ask him to change something he will. I ask him to hang out, and he’s more than happy to.

So, what’s my problem? I’m insecure. These are things that I have expectations of, and if he doesn’t meet those expectations I fault it to my self-worth. “I’m not good enough for him to do these things for.” Is this baggage from past relationships? Yeah. Is this fair to Derek? Nope. So, get over it! Yeah, I wish I could.

The one thing I worry the most about is losing Derek. Especially losing Derek because of my “crazy.” So, the problem then becomes, how do I fix myself so I don’t pile mounds of shit onto my partner? I’ve been doing a decent job of stuffing it down, but eventually it’ll need to be addressed, or else it’ll just overflow and I’ll be knee deep in shit without a plunger in sight.

New Years Resolution: acquire a sense of self-worth… yeah… that seems easy

*tmi edit: I could also be overly emotional because I’m on my period right now.

*next day edit: Talked to Derek, he feels bad, and is sorry. I’m not sure what exactly he should be sorry about. But, all is well. We had a great time last night, cooking, cuddling, and watching UP. I have the best boyfriend ever 🙂

Weight

Just weighted myself for the first time in…ages. And I’ve gained 50lbs. How does one gain 50lbs in less than a year? I know how. Eating terribly and not exercising. No wonder I feel like I have no energy. Everything in my body hurts. And I feel like I don’t have any control over my body. Poor Derek feels like it’s all his fault. He told me if we never started dating that I would be at my goal weight by now. Yeah, I might have been, but I wouldn’t have been as happy as I am now.

At least I know I can do it. I know how to lose weight. I got down to 190 (my lowest weight since High School at the end of January. Losing 30lbs from Sept-Jan).

So, what’s the deal then? Why do I struggle so hard with this weight issue?

Because it pushes people away from me. Because people don’t love the fat girl. Because no one wants to be friends with her. So, I built up a wall with my weight. Then I can’t get hurt. Then I don’t have to feel anything. And maybe that’s it. I use food to mask my pain. The pain of not having a family that loves me. The pain of feeling like I’m all alone in the world. The pain of feeling left out. The pain of not accomplishing what I should be accomplishing, of feeling like I’m failing and flailing about.

I’ve always wished I had a family. That I had a mom that didn’t yell at me everyday growing up, creating emotional scaring that I can’t seem to heal. That I had a dad that cared enough about me to stand up to her. A dad that would actually talk to me about real stuff, not just small talk. A brother that didn’t ignore my existence, leaving me in an abusive household to fend for myself. A brother that would make time and talk to me as an equal. I wish my family hugged. I wish they said, “I love you” or ” I miss you.”

That is the hardest part of not being with Marc. I don’t have his family anymore. I don’t have his mom to teach me how to use a sewing machine for the first time. I don’t have his dad to swap cooking secrets with. At least I still have Kate. Who, no matter what my relationship with Marc is, is still my little sister.

I don’t know how I go to this place, but it must all connect together somehow. I use food to feel love, acceptance, happiness. But, while food is nourishment, it can’t fill that void inside of me. That little girl that wants more than anything to have a mom that loves and is proud of her. I need to make peace with the fact that to her I’ll always be a “no good, selfish, good for nothing.”

You can’t change your family, but maybe someday I’ll get to make my own. And for now, I need to find ways for that little girl to feel safe, loved, accepted, and taken care of. I need be kind to myself. I need to tend to myself. I need to let go. Maybe feelings aren’t a bad thing (that’s a whole other blog post). I need to let food, just be food. Maybe, just maybe, then I’ll be at the weight I want to be.

“Hungry for Change”

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called, “Hungry for Change,” and here are my notes from it. It feels kind of strange, taking notes on a movie. But this is my public sounding board, and this movie was very inspirational to me. I felt like the end of the movie challenged me. It challenged me to take a  look at myself, and my behavior, and why I was so unwilling, and unmotivated to make the changes in my live that I’ve always wanted to make. I recommend everyone go on Netflix, take an hour and a half out of your day, and watch this documentary. 

Things I’ve Learned/Stuck out:

Good Detox Foods: Water, Green Veggies, Chia Seeds, Aloe Vera, Parsley, Cilantro.

The Life Style Change: Juicing and eating primarily a plant based diet.

Great foods for your insides: Chorella, Spirulina, olive oil, olives, cucumbers, hemp seeds, coconut product, kim chi, sauerkraut, yogurt

Eat mostly: Low Glycemic foods

Give it at least two weeks. You can do anything for just two weeks.

Questions the documentary poses: Where’s the sweetness missing from your life? What are you trying to cover up? Obesity is a solution to chronic stress. Where are you not satisfied? Unfinished business getting you stuck? Turning to food for comfort?

Advice: If  you’re upset. Don’t eat. When you’re upset you have no connection with whether you’re satiated or not. You’re trying to fill a void with food, a void that food can’t fill.

You need to get sleep! Sleep metabolizes cortisol and epinephrine (stress hormones). Exercise also metabolizes stress hormones; it also increases feel good hormones. Laughter also decreases stress hormones, improves immunity, and pain tolerance.

Exercise in visualization: Visualization is a powerful tool towards body change; it’s like a language you can use to talk to your subconscious. Make a visual image of the way you’d like to look. Or chose a picture of someone else. Look at the picture for 30 seconds. Not only look at the picture, look through the picture. Let the subconscious absorb it. Then close your eyes, and image yourself in that body.

Your body isn’t sabotaging you, your body wants to take care of you, and how do take care of someone who is so scared…it holds fat.

Be kind to yourself. Realize the depth of your self-loathing (This was and especially powerful message for me). Take care of yourself. Realize that you’re precious.

Key: Love yourself. Love is sacred. Love equals safety. It’s scientific fact! Not just hokey nonsense!

Exercise towards self love: Repeat: “I accept myself unconditionally right now.” Look into the mirror. Twice a day. And say it to yourself. Do it for 30 days. On day 28 there will be a shift within yourself.

When you eat, ask: Is this food you’re eating a support to you? Or is it just entertainment?

Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

Sometimes, I take crappy cell phone pictures. You still get the point. Here’s a pie I made for Derek earlier this year. He insisted that rhubarb looked like “frog legs” and had no idea what the actual name was. Which is funny, considering how he works in a grocery store. His response is usually, “Dry goods babe, not produce!” I hadn’t made a pie in ages prior to this, and I had never made a strawberry-rhubarb pie on my own before. I was pretty glad on how it turned out. I could have wrapped the crust so it wouldn’t have burned so much; lesson learned for next time. On to the recipes I used!

Pie Crust:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp salt
2 tbsp granulated white sugar
1 cup unsalted butter
1/4 water

Mix everything, kneed till well mixed, form two equal balls, cover and refrigerate till done with filling.

Filling:

1 pound rhubarb, cut into chunks
1 pound strawberries, cut into pieces
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup granulated white sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp lemon juice

In a large bowl mix everything together. Grease pie pan. Roll out dough. Place dough in pie pan. Cut off excess. Add filling. Roll out remaining dough. Cut into long strips. Plop 1 or 2 tbsp butter on top of filling. Weave strips on top of pie. Preheat the oven to 400° F. Bake for 35 min until brown and juices are bubbling.

Things I would have done differently: Brush crust with egg wash, then sprinkle with sugar. Prevented the edges of the pie from browning too much, cover it with a foil ring.

Codependency?!

I wouldn’t consider myself codependent. I feel as though I have control of my “sense of self” and do not forgo that in my relationship. But I have been accused of being codependent. Do I put other’s needs before mine? Yes. Do I do for others what they do not do for themselves? Yes. But that’s not what being codependent is. Being codependent, in my eyes, means that you lose your true self in taking care of another. That you do things that are potentially harmful to the self in order for another to gain. I, simply, feel incomplete away from my partner. I feel like a part of me is missing. That I’m not whole. When I’m around Derek I feel calm. I feel at ease. I feel like I can finally sit down and truly relax because everything is going to be alright. And I go out of my way to do things for him that he thinks do not need to be done, or dealt with.

Like today, for instance, he was angry at the dentist that I recommended him to. He had to wait, after they called and asked him to come in early. He felt they were rude to him, and dismissed his concerns. But he did not want to say anything to them, he didn’t want to get into it with them. Annnd what was the first thing I did? Immediately called them and complained. I was very calm, laid out all my concerns, and how unhappy I was. And hey, I got him the meds he needed, and they explained why they fell so far behind, and they apologized several times (hopefully they will apologize to him on monday). Now, was it right to rush in and take over the situation? Probably not. But I know full well stewing wasn’t going to solve anything, except make you angrier with could ofs, should ofs, and would haves. And if I can do something that will make my baby feel better, you bet your ass that I will do everything I can to make that happen. I still don’t think that’s codependent, but sometimes you can’t see yourself 100% objectively.