How do you deal with needing something, but in asking for it defeats the purpose? For instance: I wish that Derek wanted to spend more time with me, but in asking him to makes it an obligation, and it’s no longer him choosing to spend his time with me out of his own wants.
Things were going amazing for a while, I would come home from work and he’d be sitting on my couch watching Psych or reading. Then one week I told him I’d be working till 6pm instead of 5pm to make up hours, and it all stopped. It’s been almost a month now, and we’re back to where we were a few months ago; where I text him first everyday, where I’m the one who asks him if he wants to hang out with me. And I know this is a silly thing to be upset about, but I’m always the one chasing after ppl (friends/guys/whatever). It was just so nice to finally have someone who made such an effort to want to spend time with me. I know, logically, that he loves me and loves spending time with me, but it was an incredible boost to my pathetically small self-esteem to see him on my couch everyday. And I know, again logically, that if I talk to him about it he’ll change his behavior. But I really just want to pout and have him magically read my mind and know what I need! And I need to not feel like I’m the only one thinking about him nonstop throughout the day (I would love him to text me random crap, initiate a conversation, or just say ‘I love you’ once a day.), for him to invite me to do things or to just hang out, for him to plan for us to do something together. A tiny bit of romance even? I had to ask him to buy me flowers, I had to tell him that I wanted to go on a real date (that he did plan, but sadly fell through).
The reason I don’t want to bring this up with him is because this is all about my issues, my insecurities, my problems. Derek is an amazing boyfriend. I ask him to do something he will. I ask him to change something he will. I ask him to hang out, and he’s more than happy to.
So, what’s my problem? I’m insecure. These are things that I have expectations of, and if he doesn’t meet those expectations I fault it to my self-worth. “I’m not good enough for him to do these things for.” Is this baggage from past relationships? Yeah. Is this fair to Derek? Nope. So, get over it! Yeah, I wish I could.
The one thing I worry the most about is losing Derek. Especially losing Derek because of my “crazy.” So, the problem then becomes, how do I fix myself so I don’t pile mounds of shit onto my partner? I’ve been doing a decent job of stuffing it down, but eventually it’ll need to be addressed, or else it’ll just overflow and I’ll be knee deep in shit without a plunger in sight.
New Years Resolution: acquire a sense of self-worth… yeah… that seems easy
*tmi edit: I could also be overly emotional because I’m on my period right now.
*next day edit: Talked to Derek, he feels bad, and is sorry. I’m not sure what exactly he should be sorry about. But, all is well. We had a great time last night, cooking, cuddling, and watching UP. I have the best boyfriend ever 🙂
Owl Therapy 
You’re not crazy. Even that kind of crazy is crazy only in that if you keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, it’ll drive you crazy. It’s good and bad thing that you guys have found that level of comfort. Bad because the honeymoon might be a little closer to over than it was before, but good because it indicates surviving to the long haul. I call tell you that from my experience, the “hope he just figures this out because I can’t seem to find the words and I don’t like to be ‘that’ person who complains about things when there really probably isn’t even anything to complain about” plan always backfires and communication is the *only* way crap gets resolved. Even when I’ve been completely off my rocker with my expectations, Tim always finds a way to compromise so I know I’ve been heard and we don’t end up in a big fight because I just don’t want to talk about how nuts I am. On the plus side, all the fights about nothing we’ve had often bring about other issues I bring up in an attempt to like, divert attention from the real one, so they haven’t all been huge looming I’M AN IDIOT mistakes. Also, glad you guys talked. 😀